Choose Happiness
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been chasing happiness. I always thought that if I was in ______ place, in _____ job, with ______ person, I’d be happy. I was always looking forward at a dreamed up future, the “what if”, making plans for the future, and I was never able to enjoy and be present in the NOW. I wasn’t really living my life! I was just fantasizing of a better one. I had made a horrible habit of never savoring my present experiences, always being stuck in my mind rather than actually be present and take in what was going on around me.
And so I tried and tried to change the circumstances in my life, in a chase to finally catch that happiness I so desperately wanted. What I didn’t realize at the time is that, no matter what external factor I changed, even if I was in the “perfect” city, in the coolest job, and had the most amazing partner, I STILL wouldn’t have been happy…not really and not for long…and I wasn’t. With new situations comes the excitement of the new, but that unsustainable happiness would always fade sooner or later. And for me it always did.
What I have learned during my journey is that true, sustainable happiness only comes from within. Our perspective on life, the way we view things, has a lot to do with us being happy. A situation is just a situation, it depends on our perspective whether it’s good or bad, or HOW good or bad we want it to be. Also, without having healed our wounds from the past, and having self-love and self-acceptance, you won’t be able to be happy…you will always remain a prisoner of your own mind.
These are the steps I took to achieve sustainable happiness:
– I chose to have the courage to look inward. The past four years have been hard work. With the help of my amazing psychotherapist, I have revisited old wounds, discovered wounds I was completely unaware of too, and I’ve worked hard at healing these wounds and letting go of the pain and resentment and fear. I have gotten to know myself well, why I felt a certain way about certain situations. For this, I had to be completely honest with myself, which is an incredibly humbling experience as we let down our barriers and admit to ourselves that we aren’t a superhero…and we need to realize that’s perfectly OK.
– I was able to understand the ego. I personally don’t think you can truly be free from your mind and your inner critical voice if you don’t have an awareness of the existence of the ego and a deep understanding of how it works. I have read two books that have helped me wrap my head around this: An Untethered Soul (Michael Singer) and A New Earth (Eckhart Tolle). Without this freedom, you will be an unhappy prisoner. During my entire life I tried to find ways of “dealing” with my ego (my inner critical voice). Giving myself pep talks, which sometimes worked and sometimes not so much. I thought life was bound to be this way… I had no idea of the following: 1. I was NOT the ego, I was NOT that inner critical voice, that’s just a TINY part of me. I was UNAWARE. 2. There is a way to learn how to silence the Ego a bit, have it be less frequent, and learn to separate yourself from it, how to manage it in a way that you are no longer imprisoned. Once I learned this, my life hasn’t been the same. The beautiful thing is that I can’t unlearn what I already know, I am now aware. What I try to do now is to remain present and not let my ego distract me with thoughts from the past or worries about the future. It’s something I work at every single day, it’s like a muscle, and I can see how much it has been strengthened. My ego is the quietest it’s ever been, and if it starts chattering like a monkey, I simply ignore it.
– I don’t take things personal. I have come to understand that 99.9% of the time, people do/say things because of their own traumas/wounds/fears/shit. It has absolutely nothing to do with us. Think of all types of interactions you have with others throughout your day. This includes with strangers. Sometimes simple things as someone at a cash register being rude/unkind. Instead of getting upset, be compassionate and realize that they must be struggling with something, and they probably lack emotional intelligence, so athey take it out on others. Yes, this is not appropriate behavior, however, if you realize that it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, IF YOU DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL, YOU CAN’T BE HURT by it. This is a hard one, I must admit. I don’t always succeed. Sometimes it’s immediate, other times I sit with these feelings of hurt/anger for a while. Other times I fail. But it’s something that I work hard at daily, I remind myself of constantly, and the times you do achieve it, it’s soooooo liberating! Be compassionate of others always, and this helps you not to take things personal.
– I now accept myself and love myself fully. Self-love… something I lacked and was incapable of for most of my life. Because of my wounds that had not yet been healed, I had feelings of not being enough. I sought validation from others, mostly relationships such as friendships and partners. Again, I worked so hard at looking within myself, understanding myself, and I was able to finally heal and let go. With this healing, came self-love and self-acceptance. I’m now in a place, for the first time in my life, where I have so much self-love, it’s amazing. I am now gracious with myself, I am accepting instead of judgmental and critical, I am kind with myself, incredibly compassionate with myself which also helps me be compassionate of others. I now know, and feel deep in my heart and soul, that I am enough. I no longer need or seek validation from others. Just writing this now brings such joy inside of me…I really thought I would never reach this place. And now that I’m here I can no longer imagine a life unlike this.
– I continue to work to remain here: our emotional muscle needs to be worked out, daily if possible. Every day, I meditate, even if just 10 minutes. Every day, I am aware and try to be mindful of myself, of others, of how I interact with others. I am aware, and I can SEE my ego creeping up, and I practice hushing it. If I catch my mind drifting off, I bring myself back to the present. I work hard to LET GO of new things that arise. Every day we have interactions with people, and sometimes feelings of hurt/anger/resentment/sadness might creep up. I try to fully let these go, so that they don’t remain stuck inside of me and I end up carrying them around (The Untethered Soul helps teach you how to do this). I practice compassion, toward myself and towards others. I also have reminders set on my cellphone, which help me stay grounded. For example:
8:30 am- think of your blessings
9:30 am- make today a good day
12 pm – enjoy the space you’re in now,
6 pm – do something for your mind, body and soul today
9 pm – reflect on 3 magical moments from today (this is Tony Robbins’ tip I have adopted)
These are things I do which have helped me immensely to remain in this amazing space.
I’m not going to B.S. you. This has been the hardest, most painful, scariest thing I have done. This process of looking within, being vulnerable, embracing my vulnerability and understanding this is NOT weakness (regardless of what our society has taught us), this is HARD. The day I decided to go on this journey of self-exploration, healing and growth, my life changed forever. There have been countless moments where I have wanted to just run away and give up, where what I felt was so unbearable, when I was SO AFRAID! Many times too, I felt I was swimming against the current, having to stay true to myself regardless of the resistance and judgment of those around me (sometimes the people closest to us have a hard time dealing with our growth).
But what has kept me going, and ultimately what got me to the other side of this pain, is my fear of continuing to live like that. I was afraid to NOT HEAL, to NOT LOVE MYSELF FULLY, to NOT BE COMPASSIONATE WITH MYSELF AND OTHERS, to CONTINUE TO TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY, to BE A PRISONER OF MY MIND, to DEAL WITH LIFE RATHER THAN LIVE IT, to BE INSECURE, to FEEL LIKE I’M NOT ENOUGH, to BE AFRIAD OF SHOWING MY VULNERABILITY, to SHOW MY TRUE SELF AND THEREFOR NEVER FULLY CONNECTING WITH OTHERS, to CONTINUE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN ORDER TO BE ACCEPTED BY OTHERS INSTEAD OF THE WAY I WANT TO LIVE IT. The thought of all this was unbearable for me. Once I realized that there is MORE TO LIFE that what I had been living, that it’s POSSIBLE TO BE SUSTAINABLY HAPPY…. I CHOSE HAPPINESS INSTEAD.
Now that I am in this incredible moment in my life, where I have never felt more fulfilled, more in love with myself, in love with life, happier than ever, I continue to CHOOSE HAPPINESS. I’ve realized that happiness is a choice. Often times we choose to be miserable, to be the victim, to complain, we actually even become addicted to it (read Addict America by Dr Carol Clark, so insightful!). I chose to be a victim, subconsciously of course. Now, I CHOOSE HAPPINESS, and since I made this choice, it’s amazing how differently I view things. Even through the hardest times, even through heartbreak, I was able to choose happiness, and I was able to see the blessing in every situation that arises. I have never been more at peace, I had never experienced bliss like this before. This doesn’t mean every day for me is about bunny rabbits, sunflowers, and doing cart wheels in the sun…I have plenty of hard days too. It’s simply a shift in my perception. I look at the bright side of every situation, I breathe, I let go, I am compassionate, and I live in the NOW. If you can change your perception, if you can CHOOSE to be happy rather than a victim of the circumstances of life, you too can experience this.
I INVITE YOU ALL TO CHOOSE HAPPINESS!
Much Love,
Meli
